The secret GPA memo ordering players to leave old favourites behind

By Michael Moynihan

Monday, June 14, 2010

THERE is a seismic shift occurring in the realms of the GAA.

No, it has nothing to do with professionalism, or other sports in Croke Park, or even the colours of jerseys.

We refer to the staggering development lately discovered at intercounty games all over Ireland: new answers to player profile questions in match programmes.

This was no accident.

There is design behind this development and because we’re all about the investigations here, we reproduced for your benefit the top secret GPA memo ordering players to abandon old verities. And Julia Roberts.

To: All GAA players.

From: High Command.

Re: Profile answers.

All players please take the following on board.

Favourite Movie: Although no-one can argue against the fact that The Shawshank Redemption has served us all well over the last decade, the time has come for a change.

The associations with The Shawshank Redemption – resolute determination and grim years of sacrifice – are showing up in market research as a little . . . humourless.

As of now your default position is The Hangover.

Yes, there’s a little nudity. Yes, there’s a lot of booze. But at least there’s a few laughs.

Favourite Sportsperson: If you’re going outside the Association, take note.

Lance Armstrong is no longer available for selection here.

Nothing against the drugs controversies and so on, but by effectively co-opting him onto the Clare panel, Tony Griffin has made him off-limits to every other side.

Roy Keane’s move to management has diluted his impact, so as a compromise we’re recommending Eoin Morgan, the cricketer.

(Joking: take Floyd Mayweather if you’re a defender, Pádraig Harrington if you’re a forward, Sonia O’Sullivan if you’re a midfielder and if you’re a goalkeeper you won’t be asked anyway.

Favourite Actress: Gentlemen, it’s time to say goodbye to Julia Roberts. Yes, from Pretty Woman to . . . whatever else she was in, she was a great fall-back, but the time has come when it might look a little off-colour.

Some of the younger lads are pushing for Megan Fox, but we need to see a bit more of her than we got in Transformers, and no double entendres were hurt in the making of that paragraph.

That suggestion of Helen Mirren is laudable, but we need to balance youthful exuberance with general trustworthiness.

So it’s Sandra Bullock. Sorry folks, best of a bad lot.

Favourite Music: It’s doubtful that any of you lads will have much to complain about with our selection here.

The Killers are a happening beat combo out of the United States who have had several platters top the charts, so no-one can accuse us of being out of date.

Plus they popped up in a Nike ad, so that’s where the interviewers will think you heard them.

If you’re pressed, just nod and say, ‘are we human, or are we dancers?’ Trust us.

Favourite Food: Congrats to Barry John Keane of Kerry, who went retro in yesterday’s programme for the Cork-Kerry replay.

Nice one Barry John, with the old ‘steak and chips’, but we don’t know if people picked up on the old-school homage.

Some of the U21s are pushing for Thai food, but frankly, that may be a question of taking it a step too far for the olderdemographic in the crowd.

As a compromise measure we’re advising strongly that you go for Chinese.

Look, there’re about one billion of them. Some of them must be cooking something you like.

Favourite Drink: Over the years we’ve teetered between complete candour and coy suggestion here in headquarters.

Yes, your Fat Frogs and Bacardi Breezers are the very epitome of class when you’re reeling your way up towards Coppers of an August evening, but we’ve all got to remember one thing: we’re role models.

Cow juice it is, lads, the colder the better.

* Contact: michael.moynihan@examiner.ie

This story appeared in the printed version of the Irish Examiner Monday, June 14, 2010